February 14th...the day we celebrate LOVE.
I'm not sure why some days I'm deeper in my thoughts and emotions than other days. But self-reflection creeps up on me and I question myself, my choices, and most especially my actions.
I write about how I treat our animals, and, based on this many may conclude I'm a super nice person, or considerate of my fellow humans...something positive about me. Truth is, I'm extremely harsh when it comes to my human counterparts.
ONE of many flaws I constantly struggle with in my heart.
I wish I could behave. I wish I could be better. And, I wish I could accept everyone for who they are or how they choose to live their life. I mean, that's what I wish for myself, to be accepted for who I am.
But, I fall short of achieving that goal on a daily. Sometimes I have to sit and ponder a bit on where I can improve ME, and, being one who has spent most of my life focusing on how I can make life better for those around me, or the animals that depend on me, ME is often the last thing I work at improving.
I turned 56 this past weekend. I've pretty much concluded I am not going to get much better than today. If the more experienced are correct in their wisdom, it's likely I'm on the downhill slide.
This past week I had a conversation with someone who serves in a volunteer position with a national association concerning something this person shared on social media. I shared my opinion of the post, which was not a positive opinion, and explained why I had formed this opinion.
Those who know me know I have a pretty blunt form of communication. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I try to say it with a sparkle of finesse, but, often the words just roll off my tongue like a crack from a whip. Or, in this case, off the tips of my fingers in a written communication.
I stand by my position and the opinion that the position is based on, and am not backing down on that. What this person shared was misleading and could place inexperienced folks in a very dangerous situation. And, as well could also put animals at risk of injury or death. No question in my mind that is a reason to bring attention to an issue (especially by someone who should be setting examples rather than advertising risky methods and applications).
I could have softened the wording in my communications. I could have been more polite. I could have shown more empathy....and probably I should have.
This morning this conversation was weighing heavily on me as I opened my mom's Bible. Ironically, or not, I opened directly to Zechariah Chapter 8.
It's so hard to find the balance between being a good human and being a real steward for buffalo.
So, I sat with all of this for a while as I started my day. When I sat down at the desk I Googled "Zechariah 8:16" -- and one of the first results to pop up was this (new to me) blog. I read through the words of Jen and can admit that my own words in that written communication were not typed without an 'air of haughtiness' or judgment, they were. But, I can say the words were shared out of love for the buffalo, and a desire to share good and safe(r) husbandry with others. And, I can say my words were not derived from hatred or jealousy.
Still, it is not easy to feel "right" when criticizing another. What the recipient does with the information, and how he or she reacts is not of my control I guess.
But, just as last night, I received some harsh criticism that I had to humble myself to -- and, it was delivered in a bit of a tongue-lashing that caused my husband to flare up a little in his reaction. After the conversation with a friend (who delivered the criticism), I reminded my husband that it wasn't words from a place of ill intent. And, that we each allow our words to roll off the tongue too often without concern for how the words impact another. As an example, I reminded him of just earlier in the day when I stopped him on the tractor because of the mess he was making around the barn in the mud.
As soon as I looked at his face I knew I had been too abrupt and critical -- he was just trying to get things done that needed to be done. And doing so in the best way he could think to do those things. We both get snappy with one another without being mad or angry, the words just come out that way. Never with the intent to hurt the other....and sometimes we have to soak our wounds for a moment before reasoning that it was a situation that wasn't about our incompetence or failure, but about our ability to do better -- in the mud case, it was about not doing something that would only later require repairing, ie, work smarter instead of faster and thus creating more work.
In the case of the criticism that I received, it was about improving our field harvests. And in the criticism that I shared, it was about helping others do better for their animals.
So, why am I rambling on....well, it was weighing on my heart. And, it is February 14th. Our hearts are naturally the focus of today, right?
Happy Valentine's Day from us to you! Speak the heart!
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